Last week was one of the most draining and anxious weeks of my life. I cried everyday and couldn’t sleep most of the time. Paranoia, rage and fear were devouring me.
I was supposed to start my researches and my writing on my new book, but my brain was hurting and I found myself trapped in a body that was refusing to leave the bed, to sleep and to eat. Then, my thoughts. The most insidious and dark patrol. My worst enemies.
They didn’t stop, they are still there. They are just waiting for something worse to happen.
I can’t even fight them anymore, I am unable to sit and erase the fear or find the sparkle, as I always did. The scariest part for me isn’t even the death but the lack of justice following it. I don’t want to be one of the “missing girls”, vanished and forgotten.
The worst thing is not to die on earth, but in people’s mind.
#BLACK LIVES MATTER
This is actually a love message.
I’m writing it thinking about my people, but I wish it could inspire someone in the crowd to feel better.
We all know the stories about people as journeys, sometimes as destinations, don’t we? So we are supposed to acknowledge as well that every person in our life is like a train to catch and learn something, trying to grab and interiorizing the good. Point is that people who really appreciate us and love and care about us are such a minority.
We still manage to take them for granted,somehow, and that’s incredible. We chase the ones that don’t deserve us, totally blind of the love given by our people.
The ones that love your mood swings, your imperfections and understand your silences. The ones who accept you in any way, no matter if you are in your pijama, unshaved or sweaty. They want to talk to you, and listen to you. They actually miss you when you are not there and think about you when you are not around. You don’t need to talk every day, you can even stay silent for weeks, but nothing will ever change. They know how bad and miserable you can be, and they collect you with a spoon reminding you your worth when you need to.
And when you don’t understand why they are so good and wonderful to you, they told you how you made their life better and how important you are for them.
Well, this is actually the real love. Is not perfect. It has ups and downs. But is still there, strong and it’s without pride.
This love can come from your family, if you have the luck to have one, from your friends, if you are lucky enough to find real ones or from a significant other, if you are that lucky.
Remember to stay away from those people who make you feel unworthy or hard to love and to thank as much as you can the real ones, telling them how much you love them.
Stop living like you are going to do it forever.
This song lives in my head rent free.